TiREd aS a MOthER
THIS JUST IN: SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT CLAIMS TO BE TIRED.
It's like saying the sky is blue. Water is wet. Dogs are awesome.
... Yea, duh!
Any parent will back me up when I state that raising a small human is just plain exhausting!
Hell, anyone NOT raising a small human is exhausted.
Days are short.
Schedules are busy.
And we're all flipping tired.
Personally, I haven't slept since early 2017 and I'll bet you can guess who is responsible?
Yep.
This guy-
Turns out, raising a child with disabilities does come with some perks: You can maneuver hospital hallways blindfolded, have more medical supplies on hand than a CVS and apparently you can function on four hours of sleep a night. Every night. Forever.
Recently, I chimed in on a social media post regarding babies and their passion for all-night partying. This crap has been leaving parents around the world sleepwalking since the beginning of time. The struggle is real.
This post was intended for all parents, most of whom have neuro-typical children (with healthy and "normal" brain activity). I don't have experience in this department but I understand that ALL kiddos are nocturnal creatures from time to time- especially as infants.
In this particular convo, I suggested melatonin as a natural and safe intervention to help catch some extra z's. Apparently, that advice was lame and even amusing. Instead there were references to needing GALLONS of it in order for some children to sleep, even some joking about tranquilizers.
... Seriously?
I get it. It's a joke.
Yet my eyes couldn't roll back in my head far enough.
Let me tell you why.
I'm not trying to compare apples to oranges but parents taking for granted their 'typical' child's temporary sleep issues drives me up a wall. I would give anything for Ronin to wake me up at night because he's hungry or needs some Mama snuggles. It's what babies do. And it's temporary. When he's older, I would give anything for Ronin to jump in my bed because he had a nightmare. It's what children do. And it's temporary.
Please, please be grateful for these inconvenient experiences.
Millette Reality: Ronin wakes up 5-8 times a night with intense seizures. His muscle tone fights against his body trying to relax. He has neuro-irritability, making it hard for his brain to chill out. He doesn't produce natural levels of melatonin. He can't even roll over or adjust himself to get comfortable. He's hooked up to a feeding pump, which needs to be vented 3-5 times a night. All while battling reflux.
... AND he wants to stay awake chatting about his pretty therapists and his terrific shoe collection.
I know.
I get it.
Go to sleep.
Mama sleeps with him every single night to manage it all.
Our next step is literally a sedative.
Meanwhile, we read about how ALL parents deal with sleep issues.
And they do. But then I don't know what to call this thing going on over here at our house.
Neuro-typical babies not sleeping through the night has become an absolute war cry on social media. And it leaves me feeling more like an outsider than ever. It leaves me feeling alone and completely misunderstood.
It's sort of like this Halloween, when I saw pictures of someone using a cane, walker, or eye patch as a prop for a costume- not because they relied on them day-to-day but because it was fun for a night to pretend. It may seem petty but to people who are unable to walk, who are blind, disabled or have actual physical limitations... It may not be amusing at all.
Tomorrow is a new day and the adorable kid dressed in over-sized glasses and fake walker will get to run around with their prized Halloween candy. My child still can't walk, see well, say "trick-or-treat"-- he can't even eat chocolate.
It feels like being dismissed.
It feels like wanting to relate so badly, being unable to do so, and then feeling extremely oversensitive and silly for being offended.
It feels lonely.
And on top of it all, I'm still TiREd aS a MOthER!!
I could use some thicker skin. Again and again I remind myself to keep perspective. But it can be really hard. A parent somewhere is complaining about their kiddo's toys scattered everywhere. Another parent is crazy upset that their child is now mobile, destroying everything in their path.
The reality is this: Somewhere, someone else's day-to-day struggle is my actual dream.
In each of our lives, we play this game at one time or another. And as much as I want to complain, right now MY struggle is someone else's dream. A parent somewhere is wishing they were at home instead of the hospital. Another parent is praying to see their child's first smile.
Around and around we go, always living another family's dream. We're all just complaining about nonsense, trying to keep perspective and hoping to get some damn sleep.
So with that, let's raise a glass (or gallon) of melatonin and move along...
Being physically tired is bad news. But what's worse? Mental and emotional exhaustion.
It's tough to keep your mental health in check if you're already physically drained. It's easy to feel emotionally unstable when you're sleep deprived and irritable.
So how do we do it?
I have no freaking idea.
While we're on the subject, here's a list of 10 things leaving me mentally drained- numbered by tubie syringes because that's how we roll.
10 Catty Confessions From One Tired Mother
#1.
We WILL be late.
Sorry about it. It doesn't seem to matter if I set the alarm a little earlier or pack for therapy the night before. There is always a tube to vent, medication to remember, food to weigh. On fancy days, I even try to sneak in a shower for myself...
When it comes to time management, I just can't seem to pull it together. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. I'm not proud of it, and I promise I'm trying. Just plan on us running a few minutes behind and it will be better for all of us.
#2.
This-
#3.
Assumptions about Ronin's demeanor.
Just this past week, within five minutes I had multiple folks comment on how cute my sleeping baby was. I looked down to see Ro, chillin in his car seat, eyes half open, calm and cool as he always is.
Nope, he's not asleep. He's just hanging out.
As much as I appreciate the compliment, it's tiresome to smile and say "thank you" every time. Grocery shopping is something "normal" we are able to do as a family and we're constantly reminded that even in typical experiences, we are different.
Smiling it off is easy enough to do.
But this dude is wide awake- attentive even! He will never be the kid making great eye contact and he'll never be screaming at the top of his lungs in public. He really doesn't even cry. Ronin is just doing his own thing- and he rocks it!
I am not resentful or angry that most people don't understand Ronin's demeanor. I'm just plain tired.
#4.
Kanye West.
I'm not going to elaborate here.
#5.
The expense of handicap accessible vehicles.
As he approaches 2-years-old, Ro has two modes with his body. 1: dead weight or 2: fight against anything natural.
Here's some good news- His adaptive stroller is safe to travel in an accessible vehicle... And the bad news- We don't have one.
While Ronin outgrows his infant car seat, we're left with quite the dilemma. Though his adaptive stroller gives him the head, trunk and weight-bearing support he needs, Mama has to assemble it every time we arrive at an appointment (after most likely running late). Assembly includes taking heavy-ass equipment out of the car and making sure Ronin is safely secured before we can get 'rollin'.
With an accessible vehicle, Ro could be in his chair from our front door to the clinic. Seems like a dream but these bad boys are expensive. For now, Mama will continue her wheelchair workout.
But hey, she can dream!
#6.
Food I want to eat makes me gain weight.
For real, what's up with that? Not fair.
#7.
Rachel Hollis' book, Girl, Wash Your Face.
It's not you, it's me. I'm just so lost here. This book has been a #1 seller for weeks, and clearly I must be sleep deprived.
Personally, I don't walk away from the book feeling validated and inspired. It's more like jumble of motivational posters that just don't sound authentic. To me, the overall message sounds like noise.
Again, it's not you, it's me. Hollis has a solid target audience- middle to upper class white women who bust their butts at work and at home. Which is awesome! I am 100% for women lifting women but this book doesn't speak to me at all as Ronin's mom.
I know women whose entire lives revolve around hospital stays and sick children. Women whose spouses or children lost their lives far too young. There are women abused, abandoned, alone. And the idea of telling these women to hustle hard, make yourself happy, no excuses, and you too could one day own a Louis Vuitton...
K. But what about this void in my heart though?
Hollis herself has had dark days and by no means am I discrediting her personal trials and triumphs. It's simply the delivery of it all that leaves me puzzled, lost and of course... tired.
If you are looking for a great motivational author, I highly recommend Brené Brown. She's down to earth, authentic and her overall message is about building yourself up but also rising strong together.
-Okay- back to our list...
#8.
People putting car seats on top of shopping carts.
Ya'll are stressing me out.
#9.
My current wardrobe.
*Please refer to: Food I want to eat makes me gain weight.
#10.
I had a #10, but it disappeared.
This is what happens when you're still awake at 2:00 am, too exhausted to remember what day it is. Let alone what was deleted as #10... terrific.
Even getting those 10 (more like 9) confessions off my chest feels freeing. Keeping everything bottled up inside can be so overwhelming. Every little stressor, pet peeve or admission of guilt will build. And build. And then BAM!
Next thing you know, every single thing has the potential to leave you bitter and annoyed. You shut out the world. Binge watching Hallmark movies with a box of wine, on your 2nd plate of pizza rolls, and stalking your high school classmates online.
Please... don't leave me hanging here. That actually sounds kind of awesome.
Can you relate?
Are you feeling stressed?
Do people drive you mad?
Aren't pizza rolls totally underrated?
What confessions do you have?
Maybe you're hustling a busy schedule, underwhelmed with your social life or overwhelmed with responsibility. Even if you just can't stand the TV show "Friends", it's okay to break away from the pack of all women in their 30s. You don't always have to agree. You don't always need to be perfect and polite. You don't have to eat kale, go to college, take your ex back, wash your face. But you can. If you want to. Taking care of yourself means BEING yourself. It's at least a place to start.
And you are not obligated to love the show "Friends".
I repeat, you are not obligated to love the show "Friends".
Take care of your mental health whatever that means for you. If Rachel Hollis is your girl, that's great. If you enjoy running or working out, I'm impressed.
*Please refer to: Food I want to eat makes me gain weight.
For me, the best stress relief is to blog. I find it so healing to put my feelings out into the world. (Even if my grandma is the only one that reads it.) It lets me sort through the chaos in my mind and put it down somewhere solid. I always have the entries to look back on and even if it's just temporary- I can let go of the mess in my mind.
Besides blogging, I've found some other remedies to curb my crazy. Support groups, bath bombs, a calendar, dogs, sleep guided meditations, true crime documentaries, oils, tacos, and anxiety meds are all at the top of my list. And when all else fails- tequila!
While it's important to take care of ourselves, sometimes the best TLC comes from those around us. Our family is grateful to have people in our lives who send reminders that we're not lost and we have support. These gestures come in the form of heartfelt texts from clients and warm dinners from an old friend. They are sweet care packages from a high school classmate and hearing "you are a good mom" from a fellow parent.
True selfless acts aren't followed with questions like "when can we get together?" or "why haven't you called me back?" Sending love without expectations or conditions- that is true kindness. I know it will inspire me to pay the gift forward when someone else needs support.
TiREd aS a MOthER.
It's rough.
It's constant.
It's perspective.
And if you're still awake- well then we have that in common.
Let's take care of ourselves and each other, remembering that we're all exhausted on some level. And we should be kind. And honest.
Still, for being "TiREd aS a MOthER", there are beautiful words to come from that jumble of letters:
-RESTORE
-DREAMER
-MASTERED
-RADIATES
-SMARTER
-MATTERS
-HEROISM
-RESTART
-MEDITATE
-THEORIST
-MERRIEST
... You can also spell the words TESTED, MISREAD and TRASHED.
But let's not even go there.
Now go and get some damn sleep!
(Note*** The sleeping child in the photos of this article is an actor. Looks like Ronin, yes. But this sleeping child is... sleeping. A very, very good actor.)